Who am I to Believe...

It has been days, since I have last heard Thee's voice.  Thee told me, of the things that I should know.  Regret, was not an option to Thee.  Thee wanted to tell me, of the things that I should know...  That I should know.  It was nothing but a blurry memory, a night in which an opportunity came across..  Thee felt it was better to tell me whether or not it mattered, or not, -just so Thee will never regret ever again.  -A mistake once learned.  Thee left me ponder for days, trying to figure out exactly what Thee's words that was meant for me, -and only me.  -And if I am correct, Thee spoke of this 'Love,' feelings and sense of affection.  Oh, the childhood memories when Thee first laid Thee's eyes on me, the ongoing sequence, and patterns of seeing another.  We now question, it was coincidence, or just by Luck.  "It was a long, biggest crush, you just dont know.." I remember Thee's words..  It was the poison words I continuously wished never to speak...  Who am Ii now to believe?  The Thee was speaking of the truth, or Thee is the person Thee is today, playing Thee's game...  Who am I, Who am I to believe of Thee...  -It has been days, since I have heard Thee's voice.  Thee told me of things that I should know.  -Regret, was not an option to Thee...

Hello September

Its going to be a new start for me.  I know ive struggled to keep my chapters from going, but Im making another chapter in my life.  Like what? Theres a bunch of books and series with short, and long chapters too right?  So who am I really kidding here?  Not I, I know that.  Nonetheless, yesterday was my big coming back Sia Alexis Yang.  Lets admit it, it has been century since I have felt this love burning inside of me, and the troubles that is only trying to rise up because it wants to seem me fail and become less of what I should be or nothing at all.  Im glad, Im glad I never lost the game nor did I fall.  HA to you the idiot who tried to pull me down.  -But thank you!

Lets play catchup with mix thoughts and emotions;
Hey sis, I continue to miss you.  I have thought a lot about you recently.  Maybe its because your presence is with me as the days go by.  Or maybe, youre just tugging at me telling me what I should and should not do.  I dont know?... But whatever it is, Im just glad that Im feeling this way because I miss you so..

I never knew such 'glory' can ever result from such an devastating beginning.  Im glad I will never regret what it is that I have done almost two months ago...  Im glad, that I at least did all that I could.  Im happy.. Just know that now that youre gone.

I have never kept my distance from you.  I have always been here watching over you until you come back around and realize all of what the world has poisoned you with.  Just now, that no matter what, I will always be here when you need me.  Things have and will never change between you and I.  I love you more than you can ever imagine.  Just dont you ever hold that thought in your mind that I will hold you accountable for what you have done because I have forgiven you in the first place.  Just, just know,.. that "things have never changed.  It is just up the other person who feels that 'yes things have changed,' when really, it never has.."
-Just remember, what I have shared with you.  I love you.

Sept8th,2011

I know you see a little bit of me, -in every girl....

a Year ago..

A year ago, I have learned and emphasized on the fact that I myself deserve the love that I give.  -And with that, I have learned to love myself for who and what I am regardless of what others say or think of me?  Who am I kidding?  I have been like this for decades it seems! HA!  Regardless, I want to encourage who once feel the need to remind themselves of their own love.  'You,' yourself is just as deserving as those whom you love dearly...

-With that my fellow followers, I love you =)


"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving... of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. "

End of August 2011

I've grown old of being angry at you.  It only leaves me being upset at myself..  It was selfish of me too; and to not hold pity against you.  I rather hold myself apart and punish you for the wrongs I felt you deserve.  But at the end of it all, You never deserved it.  And I never should have, got what happened to myself..  Neither of us, deserved the worst of anything at all.


I have learned to forgiving you.  I had given you, more guilt that you deserved.  I intended from the bottom of my heart, to hurt you, -until you finally realize, how much you have hurted me.  But what have been the outcome of this all?  Absolutely nothing...


Now, I have lost the chance to really experience something truly great.  You, have lost something truly great.  We, -both have lost something truly great. 


It's only (truly) selfish, if I ask for one more day.  But I know, that 'One day,' will never be seen around the corner.  -Or ever at all... 


The past was the past, it was never a part of me, or who I am.  Forgive the past, and you could have loved me more than you wished you could.  'THAT,' was the only thing that held you back.  I never was the type to hold the past against anyone including you.. -Which was probably why I never understood what you have done, or what kept you that long. 


Now, I look towards today, tomorrow, I will never get that chance again.  I will never get that chance again.. How selfish of me -how selfish of me..


-Forgive me...

Alone&Death

Dealing with the death of my biological Father is becoming so harsh to be facing it on my own.... 'Until next weekend Alex, you have only yourself to keep your head up. Hang it in there..'

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Aug15th

There are honestly, many things in my life that I will never seem to understand. 
-And this feeling is one from the honest truth, that I don't think I will ever understand.  But I do hope and wish with all my heart, that those with a heavy heart, will strip away from their self-fishness, pride, greed and PRIDE alone..

I am at the point where I can not face it anymore.  Because it really is tugging me with it.  My only chance was put into waste because of your Pride and sense of Stubborness.  Yes, I am upset, and yes, I still cry -for your mistake in not letting your child experience something that could have been wonderful.  And now, it is all gone.  Should I have blame another or none at all, the point is, I lost it all...

-And now, there is nothing left for me to call, or to claim, that I once had a chance to feel happiness underneath the grave.

RIP.

Thats for Sure.

Theres one thing I know for sure;
Im litterally sick and tired of makeup.  Girls, suck it up -and dont trip when I say Im sick of 'em.
Pedi's and Meni's, I appreciate the grooming idea, but that's something I can definitely live without.

4 Years and Counting.

Inseperable. Indiscribale. In Love, if thats what this feeling is; then I love being in Love with You.. -SiaYg*

Its amost here; damn right Im nervous and Excited at the same time. =)


Nonetheless;
We have Eachother..


  S i a A l e x i s Y a n g
         .  .  H  e  a  r  t  s  .  .  .  .
                                 X i o n g V a n g

me; Smile&Laugh ;pp

* When I heard this song, boy it made me laugh and smile! Anyway! ENJOY YO!!

Martin Solveig et Dragonette - Hello

I could stick around and get along with you
Hello oh-oh-oh-oh
It doesn't really mean that I'm into you
Hello oh-oh-oh-oh

You're alright but I'm here darling to enjoy the party
Don't get too excited cause that's all you'll get from me

Hey

Yeah I think you're cute but really you should know
I just came to say hello
Hello
Hello
Hello oh oh oh oh!

I'm not the kinda girl who'd get messed up with you
Hello ho-ho-ho-ho
I'ma let you try to convince me too
Hello oh oh oh oh

It's alright I'm getting dizzy just enjoy the party
It's OK with me if you don't have that much to say
Hey

Kinda like this game but there's something you should know
I just came to say
Hello

Hey

I could stick around and get along with you
Hello oh oh oh oh
It doesn't really mean that I'm into you
Hello oh oh oh oh

Doner.

I dont know what else to tell you.  I hate to break it to you, but I just don't feel the same way about you as I will any other? 

I mean, with all do respect, you're just another stranger to me.  As much as I try to find it in me, it's just not the same.  Dispite the histories and misunderstandings and the willings; it's just not the same.  I am willing to give what I can, but with all the effort of myself?  I'm not so sure... I understand the differences that the two of you once had in the past; but whatever it was, it's still the same.  -Nothing has changed.  As much as I want to say the things I know I should be saying, I'm sorry because those words are just empty words.  -And seeing you, the way that you were,.. I'm sorry that I'm not truly -truly sorry for you.  Call me bitter and what kind of person am I to have say the things I am saying, -I'm sorry, you created me this way.  It's not guilt that I'm trying to make you feel..  I just want you to realize, that you're a nobody in my life.  But rather someone who I've meet once in my life, and is continuiously peeking into my life from afar.  I'm not sorry for you, I'm just sorry that you missed out on a lot of good stuff; a whole series of my life and seasons.

If you're asking me to forgive you?  Yes I sure can..  -And honestly, I wouldn't know what for?  But forgiveness is not going to change the way I feel about you.  -You're still going to be another stranger that has to be placed in my life...

P.S.
Feel better.

Summer 2011

As many of you have already know, of figured out actually, -Im constantly thinking about my future.  -Go giver..

I mean, it's not a bad thing, but as of now, it is clear that -that is what is on my mind most of the time.  Nevermind, I'll just get to the chase =)

* The sun shines, smile =) It's as simple as that.  My days have been a lot better and brighter.  I can not express how bless I have been.  The trials in my life, whether you call it bad or good -I am and have been blessed; continuing to be bless..  I am love. 

Relationship; Not a day goes by that I do not think about you and how wonderful you have been in my life.  It's hard to see hardships and downfalls around me, but I am happy to that we are not any near close.  I hate admit that I am in love, or at least, this is what I believe it to be..  Because if it isn't, I can only imagine Love being even greater =)  Nonetheless, I am content, happy, sad, angry, all that I can imagine..  But overall, I have content.  My heart has made up its mind... =)

Social; As life reaches its hardships, I pray, -that it will not bring you a heavy heart.  Family, friends, -people..  Admit, you must be thankful they are there.  -Admit again, that even those you believe to 'hate,' it's such a strong word, made you the person you are today -stronger, I hope.  Regardless, be thankful.  But I am thankful I have you in mine..  My heart's with you that you are better today than you were yesterday my friends =)

July 2011

No, I am not wasting my times in sighs and late night pondering over what could have been, or what went wrong, or what have I done or anything else..

I am not -close to even being that loser, that sucker sucking the best of myself out for no good reason.
But I am, -coming your way...

There has never been a piece of mind, when I can recall being greater than you are.  It is each and every day, that I think of this world nothing more and nothing less than it already is.  I can not face the fact that I am a part of it.  It is just not in my "soul nature," to believe that this is what 'this Body of mine' belongs too.  Then again, I suppose, its just a body in which I am trapped in for now.

Nonetheless, I am growing.  -There are many things in my life, that I still question..  But that is just the kid in me.  I am miserable, I am absolutely nothing without You.  Each and everyday I seek Your face.  Some things are never the same..  I'm puzzled in this mind set of mine.  It is everytime, that I feel my thoughts throwing and shooting out with no sense of explanation or logical sense.

But there is one thing I know for sure,... Im coming Your way...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MalcI8_nqc&feature=related

You;

Although there are no better ways to explain this, but I have to break it to you.. Telling you this does not make me a better person. Nor is it going to make me feel better in any sense at all.  I just wish from the bottom of my heart, that you will continue to do what is right in your life.  There is no worries to mine, because I know what it is that I want, and what I am to do..  I use to worry for the things you do, I use to try to carry what you can not.

From the very beginning, I once told myself, that  I use to care.  I never wanted my selfish needs to overcome anything at all.  But I am only to realize the real you, that you are.  I can not believe..

You litterally bathe yourself in the needs and wants of other people.  You,.... -You tear me apart, and make me into a person whom I never knew I can become.  'This Person' SPEAKING, is not me...  -This is who you created me to be....

With who I once was, I will leave you at it.  -And I will drop it, because that is what "I" will do.  Take it easy...

Note to Self;

6:33p.m.
I hate it when I feel like this.  Its just a reminder Alex, of the unfinished business that is needed to be done.
Just remember, that the choices you make today, are for the betterment of tomorrow. 
Life does not always go as plan, but just remember that life always have different routes for you to take, and to change.

There are many people in this world, that will come and go, but you yourself will always remain the same -to yourself.  Although at times, you may feel like you have become a failure, fear not, because this is when you are about to conquer.  There is never such a thing as 'you cant'.  You yourself is your sole driver.  Be accountable for your own actions Alex, and trust me, you will be fine.

Always remember, that yesterday was the past, today is its own, and tomorrow, has trouble of its own.  Never worry for things that you should not worry about.  But rather put what you know first before you start falling behind.  And if you do, its okay, because the world does not end yet.  And when you feel weak and weary, remember who you are and that will push you even further.  Look beyond the choices that you make, and then you will see light at the end of the tunnel.

In all, just remember, people come and people go... -So its okay to let go sometimes, especially when the choice has already been made.

Look-up, smile, someone loves you.

Love, Sia*




7:23p.m.
Have you ever wanted anything so much in this whole wide world, that all you can do is litterally just sit there and do no more.. 

MJ; The Way You Make Me Feel.

I must be trip'n, -but that's my Lover Boy..

-The way You make me feel. Damn... You ain't know noth'n yet...
Duce.

Money talk;

Seeing those who strive for it, saddens me.  It brings grief with a sense of depression -stressing over the idea that You will never reach the an inch of happiness nor success...

He is conceited and understands nothing.  He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, stife, malicious talk, evil suspicions, and constant friction between men of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain.

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.  People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into ruin and destruction.  For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.  Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
1 Timothy 6:4-10

Who am I to lecture those whom strive for the love of money.  Not I, but I will have my say in my interest of "Money".  It is the obvious, that "Money" is never a means of interest to myself.  But, it is a means in which pleases the world of the things it may bring or do.  It is a source in which 'People' gives it the authority to do such things..  It is the power of "Money" itself..

I can not stress enough of how Life is not all about the luxury of the world, or what power over money one has..  It is nothing, compared to anything at all.  It has a means of slaving oneself over and over again.. 

There's no way of sugar-coating this; It's obvious I don't like money...  I hate it 'Obviously' with a passion.  I do 'not' want to be acquainted with anyone, who is strongly attach with the idea of Money.  I see this, as a weakness of a person.  Someone who falls short of themselves -for the love of money.  Yes, it is something one must have in order to survive.  But you gotta give yourself more credit than youre giving money itself. 

-And it goes on..

Today; 28th May2011

There are many things in my life, that I wish I could have done, and things I wish I never commited.  Nonetheless, I am greatful for where I am in life today. 

Let me share with you a secret of mine, I am an old soul, trapped in a twenty-one years young body.  I do not, or like to seek the life of entertainment.  I rather sit at home with my old lady watching the dusts in the air through the windows.  I, I am not the ideal youngster.. 

With that, I can not stress the idea of 'Life' alone.  Lately, I have been thrown with many challenges, and witness many challenges of the world. 

-All I am going to say is; simply enjoy the moment while it lasts..  Life's too short.  Love one another.  There's no time for arguments, no time for negativity.  Live it up, enjoy.

As always, -said and done; Live, love laugh..

Begining of Summer '11

Now that summer is here;

I am on a mission, to empty my bucket list.  -And trust me, I will get accomplish...
-There are many things left undone.  Many things, that I am going to finish from the unfinish.  The business, is no longer business, but life itself...

Let's see you to it.  Meet you at the finish line..

May16,2011

I think I have finally hit Rock Bottom.  I need a better reason for Being.
Tell me, that everything is not going to be the way you think it ought to be.
Please say honestly, You wont give up on me.  And I shall believe.

I have found mine. =)

I have been up to nothing much these past few days.  I am finally looking at life as nothing more than life itself..

In saying this, I am not saying that "Life" means "nothing" to me, but rather that it is being itself.  It's not hell, it's not going to kill me, nor do anything to me.  -That is what I am saying. 

Anyways, I want to share great news with you.  I'm starting to have an eye opener of who and what I really want to be out of this Life.  I do not know exactly where I am going to begin, or how I am going to come about it.  -But what I do know, is that I am going to make it happen regardless of what or anything that stands in my way.  Because I know that at the end, this is what I am bound to be, what I am made to be.

The person that I am.  I know, that this is what I am made to be..

It is in me, and yes it took me time to realize, but I am glad that I have found myself.  Yes, I have debated and challenged myself with this.  At the end, I have come to realize, that yes -yes this is the task for me.  And with this one, there will be many more.  I can hear their voices..  And when I am accomplish, there is a place for me in their hearts.  And in peace, I will lay my trust in the Lord of their faith and heart..

With this, I challenge you, to challenge yourself in the seeking of your will.

RE-cap

For the past few weeks, I have been in major denial of Depression and Stress.  Now, I think I have hit rock-bottom, and realizing that yes, maybe I am depress and stress.  This  is so uncool...

I have been worrying too much about school, life, relationships, and trying to figure everything else out.  Unfortantely, this is what it has come down to.  I am depressed.  I am stressed. 

As much as I hate to admit that I am not the strong woman I am, I'm not.  And I suppose, that is my greatest weakness.  Just like a super hero's weakness is Love.  I am starting to believe that I do not have 'Love'.  Or better yet,  I do, that I learned to 'Love' myself first.  -Sighs*

I am not saying that I grew to this stage out of the fact that I am in a personal relationship and such.  But lately, I have been drawn to; want to feel commited too, or the target to be pursue.  -But it is not.  I am feeling weary of chasing and pursuing others before me..  -And I think I am going to stop here.  I am starting to not understand the whole point of being in a relationship -"once again".  I hate it.  I hate it so much..  Why?  Because I am on the verge and ready to be commited, and not have to worry about anything else, or hearing the little voice inside my head asking me question if "HE" is the one?  I am sick and tired of it.  So sick and tired.

When I was little, I told myself that my significant other and I were to be together, for the betterment of eachother.  -But unfortantely, this relationship is gragging me down with it.  Because I am now seeing that it's not just not working out, but it also takes the right time.  But, this relationship of mine, is coming to an expiration date, and I am tired of the sourness its becoming.  It needs sweetner, but it's only getting artificial sweetner.  I need 110% effort into it.  Not just an artificial act of effort. 

There, you have it. 

30 Day Challenge

-And so, Ive been going MIA lately -Which has been really bad!  Why is it so?  Because that means I've been loosing track of myself! -And I need to get back! Anyways,.. I have been meaning to try this out since two months ago, but with all this mess going on, I'm late.  -Anyways, here goes =)

30 Day Challenge. April10th,2011

Day 01 - A recent photo of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

1.  I'm a self disciplined 21 years young woman

2.  My favorite color is Red <3

3.  Will most likely get Sportmanship bc She never backs down

4.  Keeps her private life to herself

5.  my ultimate last resort f21

6.  Does not listen to any music she does not understand

7.  If I could, I'd play hockey over anything..

8.  "You do you, I'll do me"

9.  I'd be the classmate/student in the middle of class giggling to herself

10. Yes, I cut my own hair.. =/

11. Volunteers

12. Expect the unexpected -then Ill tel you ;pp

13. The idea of 'Money', I do not like with a passion.

14. I am the baby

15. I don't act like the baby

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

To be quite honest, the person I have been closest with in the longest time is God.  A picture with God will be my everlasting treasure..  Unfortantely, until I finally meet Him face to face.  Until then, I am closet to Him when I read the book of Knowledge; the Holy Bible.

Aside from God, comes Jenesis and my dearest love of all; Xiong <3

-Who has been with me through thick and thin.  He does get the best of me and the worst of me.  And I have to admit, the only one who can tame me. OH MAN! ;pp

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friend(s)

-And it has to be J e n e s i s .

Not just my sisters in Christ, but my friends my other, other half

Yes, we had our times, But we're a l w a y s there for one another

Like sisters and brothers. -Y e s , sisters and brothers. =)

(L-R) Chris, MJ, Rose and I -Alex

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have

Being a Perfectionist.  I hate it.  Always having to confirm things myself and being the 'main man' in doing.  Just because I want things done right and done deal. 

Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you've been to

The Beautiful, -

Day 06 - A picture that shows your true self

Jenesis; PhotoShoot for the GodRocksII Concert in Fresno, CA
With them, I am the best at being me; Sia Yang.

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

HCAC Youth

My brothers and sisters in Christ.  Oh how I love them..

-It is each and everyday, that they remind me of who and what I am.  Thanks you guys..

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Alex. Sue. Mai Lee

Thats my old lady.  I love her to death though.  She cracks me up, and so does this picture! LOL!!

My ultimate Favorite.  Sue Yang; Durig our family hour at Fresno State bowling alley.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Shirley. Alex. Toua

Taken during MFC God RocksII Concert
-They have been my ultimate supporter in every way and everything. 
No matter what struggles I go through, they seek it out
and make it work with me.  As always, never giving up and always trusting their baby sis.
I love you guys..

Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

I'm cheating. Bc I am going to skip this one.  Only God knows who is set for me. =)

Day 11 - Your celebrity crush

Taylor Lautner not Jack Black =)

Day 12- A picture of something you love

inPhoto; Alex. Rach

What I absolutely love; my guitar Gabe, Worship, Concerts, Musiccc

Day 13 - A picture of something you hate

Money; Yes, I hate money.  It is not something that I just 'not like,' but litterally, hate with a passion.  Words can not express how I feel towards money.  Money to me, is worthless.  I hate money for the fact of Power that people give it.  Money, has the power to kill, divorce, cheat, lie, and whatever else power people give it.  It is given more credit than a child who learned their first lesson of music.  Money...  A piece of paper, full of power over more than a single person.  Yes, it has its pros..  But in my Book of Alex, it does not. 

I literally hate Money..  It is ashame how people let money be the core of themselves.

Day 14 - Picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - Someone you would want to switch lives w/ for one day and why

Day 17 - Your favorite song

Day 18 - Picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22 - A picture that confuses you

Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot

Day 24 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 25 - Picture of yourself and a family member

Day 26 - A picture of something that means alot to you.

Day 27 - A picture of something your afraid of

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - Who are you?

Ey,

Oh, you got me Babe.
-Watch it good..

-----------------------------------------------------
Its funny how you think or so come to believe of how much 'I want to be like you' -HA!
I honestly laugh...  Because once again, I say; THANK YOU!

''Thank You!" for reminding me why I never did bother with people like you.  You make me laugh..

GoodDAY!

ANTI-Money

Words can not express how I feel about the idea of 'Money'.
-Anyway, Im not going to go on about it.. But Im gonna cut the the point and say;

Screw it.  -Really dont want it.
If the world will only see less of it, I wont even bother fighting for it. 
It is only because of this 'world' alone, that it exsits.
If were to choose, let me not have anything to do with it..

Covered with lies, sinful 'things', and more repulsive than any other on this planet alone.
I 'hate' it with a passion. 

Honest truth,
I rather not have it.  Some say, money makes a man happy..
-You serious?  Many let it control who they are. 
Rather let me live with the norm; then I will love and appreciate what, and those I have.

-Whatever, I hate money.

Human .vs. Spiritual

I know, that Life is not fair.. -But that's only the human part of me speaking. 
I know better not to feel the way that I do.  I know better that this is only the beginning.  And that is me, speaking..

I know the difference between my feelings and my thoughts.  But as of right now, the Human part of me is hurt, dis-stressed, and full of sorrow and grief.  There are not words that can express what is truly going through my thoughts.  I am stopping myself from these thoughts. 

During the storm, I will dance with joy and continue to praise His name, and raise His name on high.  Because He is the ultimate power, the ultimate gift, the ultimate prize that I, -we all seek.  And if You shall win this race before I do, my soul dances with joy for you, while my body is in grief.. -that I alone am still left to finish this race.

But I will not let this earthy body or things bring me down.  Because this is a war, that I am going to win, and soon, I too will reach the ultimate prize and He will welcome me home at last..


Jeff&Cicily-KojZooTagTag

RE-cap for Ya..

Lately, there is nothing I want more than;

-to be with the ones I love.. and bathe myself in musicc...

-You.

..You're just gonna have to prove to me why I need you.....

Deliever me, -From here...

-And to be quite honest, I am tired of this world.  I am tired of working this world (already), only for the sick pleasure of this world alone.  I don't want any part in it.  I am ready to be taken away from here.  As much as I know who I am, I am not this person speaking...  -But it is that it is the honest truth. 

If however, that the truth first must be revealed here, then let it be.  I am tired of this weary world.  I hate the sins and temptations that covers my naked eye from the Truth.  I am ripping through the layers of this world, because I am a fighter against this world.  This is not my home..  I am only a guest.  My body was bought at a price, and I am to slave this earthly body until my soul is to take. 

I am young, I am not yet half way through to my years of duty, but I am ready...  My knowledge, is still growing, but I want more of You as I continue my visitation.  -Not giving up, but letting You know, that I am ready when You are... 

I'm ready to come home when You say that I am done.  -And I will be glad too...

"...because  all I really need is You.."
Jeff&Cicly-TakeMe




Jeff & Cicily - Take Me
To you O Lord I pour my trus Deliver me from here Teach me save me Your my refuge

Please take me away from here please take me away from here Cause all I really need is you cause all I really need is you

To you o Lord I pour my trust Deliver me from here Teach me save me Your my refuge

Please take me away from here Please take me away from here cause all I really need is you cause all I really need is you

Get it? Got it good. Be best...

-And I am about to break the snap out of it.
I'm sick and tired of depending on people.  How was I in this position anyhow? 
Now, I slap myself in the face with trying to make it work with the world and 'people' in particular.  I honestly do not like the idea of having to depend on people.  The sick thought of litterally having to wait on others before making a decision or doing anything.  Urgh. I am sick of it!

I knew from the very beginning that things never work out well in this kind of 'program/system'.  Sighs...
Anyway, my day of 'Today' did not turn out as well as I had hope it to be.  I litterally sat, and planned..  -But things just didn't turn out as planned. OBVIOUSLY. 

-All I'm saying is,... "If there is something going on and you expect me to be a part of it?  Best tell me.  -PLEASE I'm begging on my knees!  Otherwise, -don't expect me to be there.  I do have a life. I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for the world to call on me.  But what I am going to be doing is tackeling this world down.  -Got it?"  Sighs, with no disrespect, but please man...

Okay, get it got it good.  Be best...

-Its been a Long Run..

Its late, but I'm still holding Saturday accoutable for this blog post..

I haven't acknowledged it as much as I should have this past couple of days..
-I haven't shared Our love story with you..  But just for the record, -we are still doing well.
We, -individually, are undergoing our challenges, and accomplishments in our lives each and every day.
But we remain the same, just stronger each and every new day..

I have to give it to Xiong though however, because he... -have delt with me in every way these past few days..
He's not so great at cheering things on, but he's great at making things better.  I feel terrible, because I have not acknowledge him as much as I should be these past few days -going on weeks.  I just don't know?  Maybe this 'whole thing' is just getting to me.  Not really "caring" to spend time with him because I'm so wraped up with school and work.  What I strongly need is to re-prioritize myself. 
I love him though.. <3

-But it caught up to me,... and I realize, that I am at fault with this whole 'self concentration/evaluation'.  Hm, sounds good...  -But honestly, He is part of my'self' too. 

Anyway, its late.  Just finished some homework.  Off to bed I go because I have church in the morning.. =)
It's going to be a new day, a new week -for a new beginning. =)

It's a Long Night..

I don't deserve to be crying.. -But trying..

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In Every Ounce of Me...

I'm starting to give it up...
I don't even know how I became so determine in the first place..  I thought I got it right?  I thought, that maybe if I became so on top of things, then maybe things will get better as the days go by.  That everything will fall into place because I am way ahead of myself to let anything fail?  But who am I to say? 

I have been pushing myself harder and harder each and every day, -for the same reasons.  But what happend now?  All my pushing and striving, only brought me 'the same thing even if I wasn't trying so hard'.  Sighs.  I am slowly, giving it all up.  I'm starting to see no point in trying harder to succeed.  I'm sitting here, still trying to push harder, but the only thing that is going around in my head are the questions to 'how did this happen in the first place?' 'where have I gone wrong?' 'what did I do?' 'WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?'.  -You tell me...

All my planning and finishing up early, brought me to the same spot as if everything was just done yesterday?  Maybe, 'failure' is embedded into me?  I don't know, I dont know...  -All I know, is that I'm starting to feel that Everything I have done, was absolutely..... -Pointless.

Pointless.

-And He got to Me...

I cannot seem to get over the thought that He has told me so.  That it is not worth it to be doing what I am doing.  He told me, it’s painful and regretful.  I am amazed with the fact that He had told me what I have never been told before.  While everyone is telling to me stay, and stick around a little longer, -He isn't.  Is this the true reality of it at the end?  I don't want any fairy tale endings, or dream come true.  I just want to face the true facts, not the color that covers the plan white walls?  Either way, it is stuck in the back of my brain like glue..

I am starting to think, that what if he is right?  What am I doing?  Not that I am ever going to be giving up?  But what “IF”  He was right?  How am I to come about that? 

I can say that at times, I or we tend to be a little selfish, and take all the goodies on the plate.  -And there are those, who realizes that breakfast is better than dessert?  So which am I? -Or am I the coward that takes everything for granted because both breakfast and dessert is given, but drops neither for the other? 

What if?  What if? What if this is not worth doing?  What if?  What if I am bound to regret it one day when I’m stuck in the middle of the race while I watch my peers go pass me?  What if?  What if?  What if this is really not worth doing?  How then, am I to come about that?

YAY-er! X)

I  have the perfect formula, I have the perfect formula. 
That's all I gotta say... =)

(other than that?)
Life's been a jelly-fish =) I really can not complain one bit.  Other than I am starting to view things the same as I once did before, that is awesome!  There are little things and the answer is just simply, 'be a Trooper'.  Trust me, you will be amazed at how stress-free you will be in the next week days..  

But here I am at school again.  Now that, is nothing never new.  I have been at school every single night, even on the weekends.  Yesterday, was the 'Rock & Road Worship Show' here, but sadly -yes, I was at school.  Not that I am cramming my homework and studies, but getting everything all together making it a "whole lot simpler" for me! =D  Bravo and a pat on the back?  Yes!  My only problem is I lovelovelove -live concerts.  However, yesterday just did not turn out for me.  I am certain, that everyone who went yesterday had a blast (HCAC Youth, M.Allread etc..) =)

You know what?  I am so surprise that today, there isn't much for me to talk about?  But you also know what?  That is so awesome!  Which means, Life's been good! WHOOPWHOOP!

Adios mi Amigos!

Its a Sunny Day =)

-And it will not seem right or quite understanding if I am to tell you that I am a 'new person today.'  Will you have jumped out of your seat and tell me that I am full of little craziness inside of me to have say; that between the time in which I had dropped below my minimum, that I am to he highest that I am right now?  -That is correct..  Call me crazy.

There isn't much that had happened.  But I will tell you this, little has happened, and little has meant so much more.  I do not want what I was yesterday or the day before.  I will only want to be, and will be better today, tomorrow, and from now on.  I am not who I was,... I am not who I was..

'I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was. I used to be mad at you. A little on the hurt side too But I'm not who I was

I found my way around To forgiving you Some time ago; But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph. I saw me and I had to laugh. You know, I'm not who I was. You were there, you were right above me, And I wonder if you ever loved me Just for who I was

When the pain came back again, Like a bitter friend, It was all that I could do To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing, I figured out I can sing. Now I'm not who I was. I write about love and such Maybe 'cause I want it so much I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I, I should let you know, I am not the same. But I never did forget your name -Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing In amazing grace, Is the chance to give it out. Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how, -I'm not who I was...'

-BrandonHeath;Im Not Who I Was

It is only wrong of me, to say that I have not changed.  -For better or for worse, I am better today, than I will ever be before.  Smile, chin-up, it's a Sunny Day.  It's another Beautiful, Blessful, and Brighter day..

Love,

Alex-sy*

I am,..

-a person with Hope and Courage. 
The perfect formula to a New Chapter =)

"Theres a light at the end of the tunnel"...

Im just an optimist...

I'm just an optimist.  Which is probally why you never cared.  Always thinking I'm over myself and ready for the next.  A self-achiever, someone who never lets others get to her easily.  Although she does consider, it just doesn't get to her I'll tell you that much.

Im afraid, that my sense of 'Independency' is taking over her.  She just doesn't 'care' anymore about anything.  Everything always comes to a disappointment.  Yes, maybe I have a little high of an expectation, -but that is what you expect from me?  It's just always better doing and giving more because You know that person deserves so much more of you?  Right?  -Exactly...

I'm becoming blunt, and to be real honest, straight-forward that it seems like I have no sense of feelings anymore?  -But it's just the matter of time when she had it in her.

I just dont know what to do anymore.  I have to admit, it's not as bad as I'm making it seem, -but it's just effortless...  THAT, is my whole point.

the Day after Yesterday;

Its finally a new day, and the sun shines in my world once again. 
I am -Renew! =) Happy I am greatfully...  There is nothing more that I can express about the Spirit and how He works from up above. 

I finally reached my "new week" and is coming on strong.  I truly believe in the feeling of sharing hardships through the power of Sisterhood and Brotherhood.  It's a natural bonding and what holds us together..

And Yesterday, was a journey, I am bound to remember..

Stay tune, class is starting.. =)

Honesty and Truth

My mind is bothered no matter how I isolate myself.  I can not rethink anything at all.  Caught in a blizard of storm, I can not breathe..  I am starting to misunderstand the whole idea of 'honestly, and truth'?  I do not know where it is that it's suppose to lead to in the first place now?  Because honestly, I have done nothing wrong but to be honest and true to the things around me.  How is it that at the very end, I am still the one pondering over the same thing over and over again?  What have I done?  Where have I gone wrong, or don't understand? 

I thought that the whole "idea," was to be honest about what I do, and what I do and do not understand?  I am the fool that they make of me?  It's not right, and the yucky feeling?... Oh my goodness.  -Are you serious?  -Damn..

I am, -back to where I started again.  I am not the one to be put down, I only rise up taller than before.  -So thank you.  Don't get me wrong?  I still gotta love..  But I'm just never going to look at things the same.  Thank you.

Acceptance.

-And I'm back at myself again.
Here is my personal testimony of acceptance...
-And lately, I found myself pondering over myself lately.  The things in my life, the goals Ive set.  The schooling Im in, the job I have, the family Im in, the person I am bound to marry, the changes that I am soon to accept, or the challeneges I am soon to take.  -My future..

I worry, for my present days that I might not fulfill what I am to become in the future.  What is my will for You God?  What am I to be?  Who do YOU want me to be?  Is this the job that You have set forth of me?  Afterall You have brought me in circles and Ive found myself back to where I left off...  -I hate it, but am I 'almost liking it' stage yet?  -Tell me God.  Am I the person You have mold me to be today?  Am I only going to grow more in You and in this world?  Who are the people who I will share my life with in the future?  The people I am bound to meet. 

I just dont want to hurt,... -anyone.  I just feel like I want You God to tell me so I can just jump myself ahead and meet them and not having to get hurt by other people who may not exist in my future...  I dont want to have to cut them out.  I dont want to have to deny them.  I dont want to have to see them go.  I dont want to hurt them because I already know that it will hurt me.

And if you know me, you will know that I am the type of person who is easily worried.  I worry too much I admitted these past couple of days.  Its killing me as a matter of fact. 
Its one of those, "I know the reason, but I want the answer" kinda thing..

I know that yes God,... -is preparing me for my future.  Yesterday was its own day, today is its own day, tomorrow is its own day.  -each with problem of its own.  I shouldnt worry at all right?  No I shouldnt..  But I am, because I am afraid.  Do I not trust on God to guide, prepare, and set my future?  No,.. I do.  Im just a selfish, bratty human being who wants to take advantage of her Fathers love -but God doesnt work like a human being.  Sighs*

I know,.. that the people I am bound to meet, whether I may hurt them or not.  Its only to help me to accept the things in my life.  I may get hurt, and I may cause hurt, but the prize at the end of the road is only to complete me, and not hurt me, and not worry me..




(July'10..)-sy*